Browse Tag

weight loss

Starting Our Facebook Community and Jumpstarting My Journey

Well it hasn’t been easy waking up at 4:30 in the morning again and getting to the gym. My body is still not used to it.  I know it’s for the best, but I am remembering just how hard this is.  I had terrific energy this morning, full of adrenaline after the workout. But then I crashed early afternoon. Just keep swimming…

I’d like to start an online community.  Support for anyone and everyone who is struggling with weight and/or fitness.  I think I will create a Facebook Page for the blog where we can all share and add local events, goals, achievements, pics etc. Additionally, I would like to start some local fitness groups here in Southern San Diego County. And encourage online community members to do the same in their area.  Pages on fitn2016_10_26_13_23_23ess, diet, recipes, style, gardening, crafts – whatever our community wants to talk about.  Our commonality will be the journey we are each on to maintain a healthy lifestyle. I am even thinking about a Fitbit group which we could ALL be a part of!

That being said. Look for OUR page @

If you are local to the San Diego area my family and some friends will be participating in the Foam Glow 5K on November 12th in the evening at the Sleep Train Amphitheatre in Chula Vista.  Come join us and walk, jog or run off some calories and/or stress!foamglow

I am going to have to take another before and after pic I think as I have gained an uncomfortable amount of weight. I was 147 just four months ago and now I am up about 20 lbs. Here is my before pic with a scale shot.  I am not depressed about it, a bit embarrassed, but most of all disappointed with myself.  This disappointment will lead to motivation, perseverance and ultimately success.20161026_15370320161026_154407

Back on the Bandwagon

Who knew life could be this normal? This is not normal in a bad or boring way, no, quite the opposite; normal in an amazing, satisfying, happy and fulfilling way. A life I thought I did not deserve has found me.  Love, joy, laughter, family, friends, even just a daily routine… life is good, very good.  Some might argue that everyone (well almost everyone) deserves some basic happiness.  Maybe this is true. Life is neither always fair, nor are we capable of understanding why things happen or don’t happen the way we might like them to. Given the aforementioned, I will neither question nor attempt to understand how or why my life is good – it just is, and I am very grateful for it.20160815_064810

Romance has put a few pounds back on – yes… I haven’t been careful enough.  A lot of eating out and a lot of simply enjoying myself. I know how to take it off and my intentions are to do so. My journey however has taught me personal joy apart from the weight I carry, or the size clothing I wear.

I have embraced my role as a survivor and a voice for sexually abused women, but I am no longer a loud lone voice. Thirty years later I have an army of women and men behind me.  I am not fighting the battle on my own.  I am standing with thousands of others who now hear me, whose voices resound with strength and power. I have passed the torch to those with the power and strength I can no longer afford to offer.

For me happiness is not about settling or acceptance. It is about savoring joy, passion, feeling content and connected. The “pursuit” of happiness now seems somewhat futile. I feel happiness comes when you are meant to have it simply because you now understand it, and can appropriately appreciate it.

So once again I embark on weight loss and fitness training.  I am very happy, but I am aware that sustaining a healthy BMI and staying in shape will enable me to remain happy, and physically and emotionally strong for a long long time.

I am embarrassed to say I have put on about 15+ pounds and I haven’t been exercising with any regularity.  Back on the bandwagon for me.  But like my tattoo reminds me each and every day – PERSEVERE. The 15 will drop off and I will regain my physical strength again. I love my family, my partner, my friends, my home, San Diego, my job, my garden, my writing, etc., but I must love me more and put my health, and ultimately long term happiness first.  I know how great I feel when I am healthy and satisfied with my appearance. I am healthy and satisfied with my appearance, but I feel it slipping and it scares me after everything I went through to get where I am.20161018_08280320161018_082716

With the support and love of everyone around me I will get back to the best me I can be.

New York City Here We Come

First I would like to extend a big thank you to all of you who read my blog regularly, and even those who have only visited once. I hope I have helped some of you stay motivated with your weight-loss, find courage to embark on a journey and/or speak your truth. In just under two months this blog has had over two thousand views from almost every country in the world!

We leave for New York City at the crack of dawn tomorrow, and I can’t tell you how much we are looking forward to some time alone. We can’t wait to see all the Christmas windows (particularly MACY’s), the lights, the Rockefeller tree and of course the return of The Color Purple to Broadway. I can’t wait to see some friends I haven’t seen in decades and meet some new friends I have recently made as well.

I am hoping all the walking in the city will help burn some of the pounds gained while off my feet. A lot will depend on how much my toes can take, but they get better every day. The weather in NY is not supposed to be much cooler than the weather here in Texas. This we are very thankful for as our last winter trip had us trotting through a foot plus of snow.

wedding dress lazaro lz3114It’s a lot harder in NYC to eat right since gluten free options abound there.  But, I am determined since we are getting married this spring to fit into something similar to the dress to the right. When I was losing weight I kept this photo on the fridge for motivation, hoping someday when we were ready to get married that I’d be ready for this dress.

Now I’m going to keep this photo on the fridge to have a constant reminder of where I came from and where I am now 135+ lbs lighter.  This photo terrifies me.  I never thought I was THAT big, and I don’t even recall being that big anymore (from a 3X to a 6). I don’t ever want to forget, its when you forget that history repeats itself.the worst picture ever

I am more convinced than ever that sugar and artificial sweeteners are the biggest culprit. Since the holidays my sugar craving (which had all but disappeared) is back with vengeance. That being said I intend to return to a very low sugar, low carb, high protein diet as well as get back to exercising again now that the orthopedic surgeon has cleared me to start slow. I don’t have much to lose this time, but I intend to return to my pre-surgery weight and stay there.

I’ll track my progress here and keep everyone up to date with what I am eating and how much I am moving daily in case you  want to join me and begin your own journey!

Body Shaming

I think it takes a strong person to ignore the opinions of others, especially when you are young. Body shaming needs to stop – some people are just not built to be Twiggy. Kids do not need to be bullied to the point of suicide because they don’t fit today’s mold of “beautiful” – I am sure these teens are all beautiful inside and out. Being overweight is not ugly, some people can’t help their size due to medical issues and those people need to focus on being healthy. Others are overweight for a variety of reasons: emotional eating is obviously at the top of the list. This is hard to overcome but I hope to help those of you in this position realize that there are other things to make you happy and being healthy will help with being happy.

At this point in my life (because I know what makes me happy and how to pursue that) I really don’t care what others may or may not say about me, the way I dress, the way I do or do not wear make-up, etc. I suppose that is why I posted my before pictures and had it put up on national television without thinking twice.

After all this weight loss I have quite a bit of excess skin hanging around (particularly around my abdomen). I can’t afford the surgery to remove it – and although I would do it if I could afford it, I’m okay with it being there and when I want to hide it for some reason or another (i.e. an audition, a date night, etc.) that’s why I own spanks. I’m so okay with it, here is a pic:

my belly
Yes pretty panties make me feel good, LOL!

People are beautiful in all shapes and sizes. Its part of what makes us unique. And what matters is that you are confident and comfortable in your body but most of all are HEALTHY and HAPPY.

It’s not about being “skinny” or about wearing certain clothes (although a new wardrobe is a really nice benefit), its about feeling good and taking care of yourself for you and your family. Don’t let your goal to be as skinny or thin as so-and-so – set your goal to be the best you you can be. Take into account your height, your bone structure, whether or not you have had children, etc. Be realistic and strive to be your best self. After children your abdominal muscles are the most difficult to return to pre-pregnancy. And those of you who know me, know I have 5 children all of whom I am very proud of, and all of whom took a toll on my body. I nursed them all and my boobs look a lot like my abdomen (another surgery I have no money for)! I wouldn’t let anyone cut on my face, but I know a flat belly and some larger boobs would make me feel even better. I am happy now and those things do not determine my happiness I just think they may enhance it – LOL!

I NEVER thought I would be a size 6. Even though I weighed less pre-pregnancy than I do now, I was an 8. I’m sure the fashion industry has changed the sizes a bit to make us all feel better about ourselves, but my dress size does not define me. I never set a goal to be a 6. I set a realistic weight goal and when I achieved it was going to be satisfied with whatever “size” I was. I will admit it is nice not having to shop in stores tailored to larger women because the stylish things have still not completely caught up with the average woman (unless you have a small fortune to spend). I no longer ONLY wear black but it is still one of may favorite go to-s, it’s a hard habit to break and I guess I really enjoy wearing black as well – it goes with everything. And for me ORANGE is NOT the new BLACK (although the show is great – from what I have seen of it). Orange, like yellow makes this pale chick look a bit jaundice.

I can wear heals again – which is a double-edged sword. I don’t’ really like to wear them, but they do complete a nice outfit and according to my future wife they are very sexy (even though I tower over her in them). I don’t wear them often as they are not great for your feet, but with the musical theatre dancing I have had to wear character shoes quite a bit. Still uncoordinated and falling over, but the shoes don’t really make much of a difference with that tendency.

About make-up: I don’t wear it everyday. I likely never will. Probably because growing up I heard things from my mother that I interpreted negatively whether or not they truly were meant that way. Every time I wore make-up I was told the same thing: “You look so beautiful when you wear make-up!” or “You look so nice you should wear make-up more often.” I internalized this to mean basically I was ugly unless I had make-up on. Well I’ve over come that sort of. I wear make-up now if I think it’s going to make me feel good that day, or if I need to for an audition or performance. I know someone who hasn’t even let her husband see her without a full face of make-up and they have been married for close to 10 years. I personally think that is a bit extreme, but to each his own… again do what makes YOU happy for YOU – not for others. If she is applying make-up every morning because it makes her feel good about herself, then why not? Here is a pic of me without make-up, and one with. I like both!

Just keep moving forward.

How I Lost 135+ Pounds…

No Biggest Loser, no Extreme Weight Loss Makeover and no gastric surgery….

People ask tattoome this question almost every day since December of 2014. How did you lose all that weight?  How did you stay motivated? How are you keeping it off? Did you have gastric surgery?

I am going to try and answer everyone’s questions here, and by starting this blog I hope to motivate and continue to help people.


This was actually the hardest part of the process, and continues to be.   I cannot put my finger on the exact moment I basically cracked, but I do remember this – stepping on the scale sometime towards the end of April of 2014 and seeing the number 287.  I freaked out. I thought OMG I am closing in on 300 pounds, the prior month at my yearly physical my doctor told me I was prediabetic, I am going to be one of those people who can’t get out of bed without the assistance of a hydraulic hoist!  Something snapped.  I can’t tell you what, I can’t tell you why… all I can say is that I realized at that moment that I was going to be 45 years old in just under a year and I felt like I was 85.  I needed to act quickly because it was only going to get worse and only get harder to do something about it.  So that’s basically how the journey began. I vowed to reach my goal weight by my 45th birthday.

I had lost weight after babies in the past with the help of Weight Watchers and to this day still believe it is the ONLY healthy way to lose weight as it is truly a life style change and not a diet.  Not having time for the meetings, and not wanting the initial humiliation of that first weigh in, I joined online, and began immediately counting points and getting rid of all the trigger foods in the house.

Going into a public gym feeling as self-conscious as I did was not remotely an option. So I began slowly moving at home.  I walked the dogs every day. Then (being the crazy off kilter person I am) I started doing Richard Simmons’ Sweatin’ to the Oldies II (I still love that workout – just the music makes it fun). I couldn’t do it with all the gusto of my youth or even make it through the whole work out at the beginning – but I was determined to not give up. Still too embarrassed to enter a gym I purchased an inexpensive exercise bike/elliptical machine.  I began alternating my friend Richard with my new friend Elliptical every day.  At that point I was only exercising once a day, but I tracked how many steps I took with a pedometer and roughly how many calories I thought I might be burning during a workout.  Believe me accuracy was not critical to me, just approximates to stay motivated.

When you ask people about weight loss they tell you don’t weigh yourself every day, do it once a week.  I firmly believe that that needs to be a personal choice for your individual psyche.  I weighed every day.  It never discouraged me, it kept me on track and kept my eye on the prize so to speak.

The first few weeks if you are doing it right, you always see some impressive results – its sticking with it afterward that’s so hard for so many.  The first two weeks I dropped roughly 8 lbs.  This was encouraging enough for me to keep going. I stuck with Weight Watchers for about three months – till my body learned portion size and healthy eating.

Having suffered with IBS since my early teens I believed that managing it was going to be a lifelong commitment.  During my weight loss journey I had come across a few different articles online which indicated that individuals with IBS may actually benefit from a gluten free diet. I had been checked for celiac disease in the past and was told that my blood work did not indicate such an allergy. I figured at this point I had nothing to lose and everything to gain if it worked.  So another round of removing food from the house began.  (I did keep a stash of real bread, etc. for Jan as this gluten free thing was not something she could get on board with.)

I also read that sugar calories were much harder to burn off than fat calories. So I began eliminating almost all refined sugar from my diet and increasing my protein intake to help build muscle and burn calories.

After three months on Weight Watchers, and exercising on my own, I had lost roughly 46 lbs.  I could now face a gym with pride – I had come this far – certainly I could do even better with real equipment and some guidance.

Eating was now more or less simple for me.  I drank ONLY water and a ton of it all day. I ate the same basic things daily:

  • Breakfast:

Steel cut oatmeal, with blueberries and toasted flax seed – [Occasionally I changed up the fruit and/or added some nuts])

  • Mid-morning snack:

A very low sugar cup of Greek yogurt (I recommend Siggi’s if you can get it) and a cup of Naked Juice’s Green Machine

  • Lunch:

Gluten free protein bar, some low-fat cheese cubes and an apple

  • Mid-afternoon snack:

A handful of cashews and/or a protein shake

  • Dinner:

A normal dinner like a medium sized steak, some rice or potatoes, a salad with sugar free dressing or some cooked green vegetables (asparagus, green beans…)

I’d try to eat dinner by 6:30 the latest so I wasn’t going to sleep on a full stomach when burning calories is more difficult. I also tried very hard not to eat after dinner.  This was hard, but when I did succumb to temptation I chose something healthy or in the very least refined sugar free (a fruit, some sugar free pudding, popcorn etc.). Being a chocoholic I stuck with dark chocolate during my weight loss, and still try to reach for it when given the option.

It’s all about movement, portion control and healthy choices.  It’s NOT easy.  Becoming gluten free has been really difficult, but also the best choice I have ever made.  I miss real pizza, real bread and real CUPCAKES!  The gluten free alternatives are not bad, but it’s still not the same. Before I fully understood what the family of gluten was comprised of, one night I made a huge vat of mushroom barley soup for my family and after having two large servings wound up in the hospital with an intestinal infection.  Needless to say – I’m staying gluten free.

So – over the next 7 months I stuck with all the above.  I went to the gym every morning for an hour (half hour of cardio and a half hour of strength/resistance training), and then again at lunch for 30 minutes of cardio (walking, elliptical, bike…).  In those seven months I lost roughly 90 pounds.

I set smaller goals throughout the journey and had a karaoke party when I dropped below 200 lbs. making sure there were healthy choices on the table along with regular “party” foods for all our guests.  We had a blast and it helped me stay motivated.

At the gym I found a trainer who would occasionally take some of her personal time to help me learn to use the machines properly, and rotate through my muscle groups: using muscle confusion and interval training.

In just under a year and right on time for my goal I had lost 135+ pounds, and weighed in at 150 lbs. I fluctuate within a healthy range of 5-6 lbs now.  Between 147 and 153.  I don’t weigh in everyday, but I do keep constant tabs to be sure I am staying on track, as my eating behaviors are not as stringent anymore.

One day while I was on the elliptical machine at the gym, I continued to stare intently at the décor on the wall to my right.  Skinny, muscular people in a variety of workout phases and activities.  There were words superimposed on these figures.  One word stuck in my head – resonated, and has never left: PERSEVERE. When I reached my goal I had this word tattooed on my body in both English and Hebrew in a design I created. It’s on my calf where I can see it at all times.  It reminds me what I went through to get here, and reminds me to keep moving forward.

Everyone says I am an entirely different person now –and honestly they are right. I do feel like an entirely different person… I feel like the person I was meant to be.

I hope this has been helpful to those of you who have asked how I got where I am.  I will answer anyone’s questions, and I will support anyone who needs help finding their motivation.  Just ask….(it’s a good place to start!)

Oh, and for those of you who have no idea why my blog is named theassofdeath, read my next post and it will become clear!


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