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How Do You Catch a Sociopath?

sociopathsI haven’t had the strength to write these past few days.  Thirty years of speaking out and telling and retelling the same story to rabbi after rabbi, and now more recently reporter after reporter takes a toll quickly. I have read all the articles that have been published and so many of the supportive posts, and although they are encouraging and vindicating, they are equally exhausting.

The spiritual community who has been harmed so deeply by this man now leads the charge against him, and it is appreciated.  I hear and share your pain. What everyone needs to understand is that the two underage victims were “practice” for Marc Gafni, test runs so to speak – learning tools used to refine his pathology. We are all victims of this man and I feel for each and every individual he has hurt and manipulated.

We can all thank all those who came before and silenced those of us who were his playground and training field – and that includes many people who now stand against him.  Now you believe? Now you see and want to hear and listen?  Why?  Because now it has affected you and crept into your sphere of reality.

This disturbing yet highly accurate rendition of Mordechai’s “abilities” penned by Terry Patten is right on target. There will be no justice for those of us preyed upon as teenagers, nor will there be for any of his other victims because the law has no punishment for the “disarmingly charming, incredibly warm and affectionate, and devotedly attentive” sociopaths in our midst. The law cannot charge an individual whose crime is being “outrageously diabolical…(with a) unique way of getting inside people’s heads and subtly casting a spell on them, and then using that influence to influence or manipulate others.”  As of now the law has not progressed to this deeper understanding of criminal behavior. “Our community needs a way to protect itself from talented sociopaths with histories of unprocessed shadow and violating others’ hearts, souls, and bodies.”

“To be used in this way is a form of abuse. To add sexuality to it, is even more hurtful.” The law does not yet see this either.

The information provided in the Times of Israel was particularly disturbing, hurtful and entirely false.

“Additionally, Gafni said he finds Mitzner’s continued re-telling of the story for more than three decades particularly painful. He calls her testimony “categorically false.”

‘Judy is not acting alone. She is a part of well-organized and funded social group’

“For 31 years she has been encouraged to be a victim. Judy is not acting alone. She is a part of well-organized and funded social group. She received strong social approval and reward for being a hero breaking the silence, which is ironic because she has not stopped talking about this and attacking me for decades in so many different ways, causing me and my children and friends a massive amount of substantive damage and pain,” said Gafni.

Gafni claimed he has taken a polygraph test that proves his innocence, and that there is “significant other information which supports that conclusion.”

Additionally, he claimed he has repeatedly tried to contact Mitzner “to create resolution.”

“She has always refused,” Gafni said. “I want reach out right now, as I have many times over the years through third parties, and invite Judy into a mediated conversation where we could transform this from hatred to goodness and truth and beauty.”

I would like to make something PERFECTLY clear I have always acted alone. I have never been part of a “well-organized and funded social group”. Please, if that is the case why am I the one struggling to make ends meet while he sits “looking out of his home office on Monterey Bay”?

You want a polygraph test? You think that shit would hold up in a court of law? Give your under age victims a polygraph test… oh and let us write the questions… as he did for his “exam”.

As for his claims that he has repeatedly tried to contact me to “create a resolution” – this is as well entirely false.  I have never heard from him nor would I want to.  He victimized me, and no mediated conversation “could transform this from hatred to goodness and truth and beauty”.

I think I am just really exhausted. I am doing my best to maintain my inner strength and resilience.  I DO NOT want to be: “Judy… isn’t she the one that was one of the underage victims of Marc Gafni?” I am so much more than that.  I just need to find that again.

Reopening the wound…

Reopening the wound, beginning this process again of recollections and reflections from this part of my past has my anxiety very high.  The nuances of this are beyond a non-survivor’s comprehension.  The child in you returns, the fear, the uncertainty, and even the vulnerability to some degree.  Even with a support system, those who love you, believe you, and will protect you – it is easy to feel lost again.  You question your decision-making capabilities, and from a place of fear over analyze each step you make.

This undermining of self, having been so violated and betrayed, is further compounded knowing the extent to which he continues to smear the names of his victims. Straight from the “Predator Handbook 101,” he takes glee in spinning his pre-emptive slander. With more than three decades of practice under his belt, he knows exactly how to play the game:

curled in a ballCall her “crazy.” As she’s shaking on the ground, blackmail her and scream, “Who in the world is going to believe you?? a kid?? or ME, the Rabbi!?!”

In order to cover up the truth that could now expose you, run to your supporters in a manic state. Claim you are under attack and that your “enemies” are out to get you.

Bring in the now furious wife or “partner” to join you in attacking the girl or woman you have just destroyed. She will be too enraged to actually care about anyone else but herself. Sincerely spin lies just credible enough to be believed directly into the eyes of the woman you claim to love and your supporters.

If you are on the phone coordinating your strategic attack, be sure to weave in as many grandiose stories of your persecution as possible, sigh piteously, compare yourself to a religious figure, adamantly insist that you are being falsely accused and gain as much sympathy and loyalty as you can.

The list goes on, and the pattern is so obvious to those of us who have been the target of this sociopath’s behavior. Those who know the truth of the underlying pattern, are well aware that evil always cloaks itself in its opposite.

It is incredible to me to see the references made to “Outrageous Love” on the web in association with this man. He has left a trail of outrageous trauma, lies, and destruction in his wake, and has never been held accountable. Too many of his “philosophies” are invented as justification and cover for his sexual deviance and addiction.

For clarification not justification, I am unmistakably and emphatically delineating who I am – as separate and apart from what he did, and who he is:

  • Yes I was a troubled, lonely, needy teenager (the perfect vulnerable and easily discredited victim)– but in no way did I want this man to be sexual with me in anyway. I wanted a father not a predator. He took advantage of my age, vulnerability and turmoil then used it to discredit me.
  • I am not gay or bi-sexual because I was abused. Yes, I know the statistics, but I also know that sexuality is neither a “preference” nor a “proclivity” it is an intrinsic part of who you are genetically.
  • I am a healthy, whole, brave and sacred human being. I have been given the opportunity to refine how I live a life of strength and purpose through the practice of managing experiences that come with being bipolar. I am not bipolar because I was abused. Like having blue eyes, it’s just a part of the landscape of being me.
  • Although I was once a religious Jew, I am not “secular” “humanistic” or “agnostic” because I was abused. I came to my set of beliefs through thought, speculation, questioning, meditation and reason.

The abuse that I suffered, and the indescribable aftermath of continued abuse does not define who I am.  I was sexually, spiritually, emotionally and psychologically abused but I will never let it define who I am. It simply was an awful experience in my past that hurt me very deeply. I cannot say with any honesty that it did not change me, because it did. I wish I could find the words to describe how those events changed me. I cannot find them because I am not sure the adequate words exist.  It is like an eternal scar on your soul.

Not to trivialize surviving sexual, emotional, or psychological abuse in anyway, as I have myself survived; but as a fan of J.K. Rowling – I liken my scar to Harry’s. Although mine is hidden, and not visible as is his – it is still a mark, a mark that I survived.


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