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moving on

Achieving “Closure”

With everything that has been going on surrounding the sexual, psychological and emotional abuse I suffered as a teen. I’ve been thinking a lot about closure recently. Does such a thing exist? Can it be achieved? Or, are we deceiving ourselves searching for something not just illusive, but intangible and imaginary.

What would it take to achieve “closure”? Getting our questions answered? Seeing those who hurt us hurt equally? Justice? I don’t know that there is an answer to this. “Closure” if it exists must certainly be different for different people. If it is attainable, does achieving it mean that the situation no longer effects us, or that we no longer need to speak about it, or we have “moved passed it”? I am not sure what it means at all, and honestly do not know what it means for me.

I’ve read stories from other survivors of a variety of abuses at the hands of an assortment of predators. From what I can tell “closure” is not something to be sought, as it is unachievable and honestly indefinable.

When we seek “closure” this search emanates from a wound caused by opening oneself to intimacy. Intimacy in any capacity leaves us vulnerable. Choosing whom to “let in” should be an analyzed decision, but it’s never that simple. Depending on how old you are, how many times you have been hurt, and/or how trusting of a soul you may be, the importance of such a decision is typically learned the hard way.

don_let_your_past_steal_your_future_I have “moved on” and currently have many fulfilling relationships. The answers provided by those in the labyrinthine of past chaos may not satisfy my need to understand. There will always be explanations provided that make no sense at all.

Just because one “moves on”, a variety of causes can trigger a wound to be reopened. When the wound is continuously reopened it causes a permanent scar that cannot disappear with “closure”. There will always a fragment of you that is no longer yours. You give a piece of yourself to those with whom you share any type of intimacy. There will always be fragment of them that you carry around, in your memories and in your person, in the lessons you’ve learned and in your restored life, for better or worse.

I think “closure” is just a term people use when they really mean is they have “moved on”, just a misnomer. Because who we are is composed of so many things – both positive and negative life experiences, our personality, our belief system, our spirituality, our genetics, our talents… etc. You would not be who you are without the puzzle fitting together the way it has. One must “move on”, grow, learn, change and make a difference. It seems to me searching for the elusive “closure” is a waste of the precious time your soul is given to experience and understand the universe, and your roll within it. Be a catalyst for change, positive growth, creation and peace. From self-realization will come the enigma that is “closure”.

Returning to me and the beginning of the end…

moving-onI allowed this sociopath to take so many years of my life. I was a kid, and now as a more fully conscious adult I can take that back. There was a turning point some time ago, when I made the resolution that I would no longer permit Marc Gafni to take anything more from my being, or cause me more pain. It would be much easier to tell everyone who is now in contact with me, or has been over the years; “Sorry, I’ve put that part of my past behind me, and that’s where it has to stay for my own personal preservation, and for my family and loved ones. I’ve moved on.” I certainly understand those in this tangled web who have made just that choice. It is in the past, and I have moved on; I have five wonderful children, a partner who loves me and a supportive family. It will however always be a part of who I am, and I cannot sit back and watch 40 years worth of victims suffer in silence. My story may have been shared first and multiple times over the years, but it certainly will not be the last to be shared. I feel the need to be there, listen and validate anyone this man manipulated, controlled, coerced and/or forced into a submissive relationship, sexual or otherwise. I had so few who were willing listen or believe.email

As of today I have heard from three survivors. Each conversation has been over an hour and very cathartic. I know there are more who want, and need to talk. If you are reading this, I am here, I will listen to whatever you are comfortable sharing, and will validate your expression. Leave a brief or detailed comment on my blog with your email and I will return it, you can even remain anonymous should you so choose – you have my word.

With the above being said, unless necessary, or until the journalist publishes his impending article (which I envision as the catalyst for the beginning of his end) I am going back to blogging about weight loss, my creative life, sharing other life events, and other things most of you who have been reading will find rather boring in comparison. But – I do have a life, family, friends and a creative soul with positive things to share and put out into the world. I hope Mordechai Winiarz (aka Marc Gafni) gets everything that’s coming to him, and that karma finally does its job. Like any superhero (to which I honestly do not compare myself), I will be here to help when I am needed, but will resume my true identity, my “Peter Parker” or “Diana Prince” life.

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