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OK I am BACK!!! One Foot In Front of the Other!

It has been a full year since I lost all  my weight and I am now an ENTIRELY different person. Stronger physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually.  By making decisions from the heart I have benefited in the long run.  I may have struggled and not seen the benefit upfront, but upon reflection I can see where following my heart brought both goodness and peace into my life.

286 lbs of self hatred.
286 lbs of self hatred.
146 lbs of self love.
146 lbs of self love.

I am back to exercising three to four times a week. Mostly just cardio, but my move (hauling boxes, etc.) seriously increased my upper body muscle tone.  It takes effort when you are alone to get out of the house, to walk or sometimes to just move.  But those four aspects of your life change positively when you push yourself to do so. The physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual being grows and strengthens.

The endorphins released, the pride you can take, the peace you can find, the thoughts you can process all seem to emerge and come into focus when you push yourself to move in one way or another. Take a walk, a stroll even, walk the dog, ride a bike, do some gardening, sweep the porch -the easy stuff that doesn’t feel  like exercising is the stuff that you need to incorporate into your everyday life.

Each and everyday is a struggle when you are learning to live on your own for the first time. It is a very personal journey filled with tears of sadness and joy as you find yourself again. Learning who you really are and accepting and loving that person is not always easy.  BUT it IS obtainable.  It is a reachable goal when you do not set a time limit.  Commend yourself for every moment spent content and at peace.  Do not beat yourself up for the moments you find yourself sad and lonely – that is to be expected and is going to happen.  Let it happen the emotions will pass. You can choose joy when you wake up each morning.  Start your day in a place of happiness – find something when you wake up that brings you peace.

Choose to be optimistic, chose to be positive, choose to smile, choose to forgive, choose to be kind. When you consciously make these positive choices again, like physically moving, you grow physically, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually whether  you realize it or not.  The parts of who you are begin to sync.  By working on all four parts either individually or simultaneously will show you positive growth and strength in all aspects because intrinsically they overlap.

Some days will be good and others not so good.  When you start seeing the good outweigh the bad actualization begins.  “Wow! I did it – I can make it through the bad days.  I can use healthy coping mechanisms.  I can choose a happy, healthy lifestyle!” When these realizations are made, accepting and loving who you are as a human being starts to become easier.

Everyday I put one foot in front of the other – literally and figuratively.  As long as I am committed to this I know I will continue to grow stronger in every aspect of my life and find my path to understanding and fulfillment.

Losing Yourself & Losing Weight

personal independenceThe reflection I have done recently has helped me understand things that many adults may take for granted. Being a truly independent human being is not an inherent skill.  We come into this world and leave it very dependent upon other humans for all our needs to be met.  Regardless, I believe it an important skill to learn.  Many species give birth to their young  and leave them to fend for themselves – that is not the human experience.  As a parent you hope that you raise your children well enough so that they too will learn this skill as they mature into adults.

As a child I had to be independent to emotionally survive. This necessity created an insatiable need to be emotionally dependent, and cared for.  Unfortunately, this insatiable need left me vulnerable to the sexual abuse I suffered as a teen.   It has taken this new awakening to realize that I must return to those necessary survival and self taught skills of independence in order to truly become the person I was meant to be.

This is a very difficult emotional journey. Questions that may be simple for others are less so for me. Continuously allowing myself to become lost in someone else, in a relationship – created an individual who was not an individual, and caused damage to my soul that I am now repairing.

Losing yourself in another makes it easy to no longer care for, or take care of you. I am certain many people can tie their personal weight loss journey to such a feeling of emotional dependence. Once you begin to find yourself again, be the independent person you were meant to be, both the emotional and physical weight will slowly disappear.

It is very hard for me to be alone, or simply by myself. But these past few months have taught me not only how to cope with the difficult moments, but to embrace many of them as productive opportunities for growth.  Sure, I still have many difficult times, but when the emotions (loneliness, sadness, fear, anxiety) rear their ugly heads, I am able to work through them more easily with each instance.

Eating a meal out by yourself, seeing a show on your own, just sitting still with your thoughts and no outside influences, are all skills for me to learn or more accurately re-learn.  New circumstances present themselves daily, and as they do I am learning to find myself, my strength and joy, individually from others.

Although it has been difficult, I return once again to gratitude. I am so very thankful for the opportunity to grow as an independent individual, an independent woman. This opportunity has allowed me to reflect and really look at simple, basic questions like: who you areWho am I? Why was I created? What is my purpose? What can I give back? What are my passions, talents and skills? How can I use these to be the best person I can be, help others along my journey, and both attract and reflect positive things?

This is kin to a rebirth of sorts. Trying to remember how I found the strength as a child to be independent and answer similar albeit less sophisticated questions as I grew, has not been simple. Certainly the coping mechanisms  I turned to as a child are very different from those I have learned as an adult.  Not only are they different, but they have matured, and become healthier, more efficient and more mindful.

So here I sit, ALONE – writing, reflecting, enjoying the sunrise, the birds singing, the breeze blowing (a very productive use of alone time in my opinion – LOL).  I can be happy and not need to share the joy.  I can be sad, and not need a shoulder to cry on.  I must admit, for myself the most difficult one is anxiety. I am working on being able to say: I can be anxious and not need someone to help calm me down.  Certainly it is easier to have someone there during difficult moments, and even preferable at times. But wanting someone there and needing them there are two very different things.

I am learning. I am growing. I am so thankful for this opportunity – this fresh start, this new beginning – this rediscovery of me.


A Case of the Nerves…

Okay I have to be honest – I am a little nervous about my pending foot surgery.  It’s not the surgery that has me scared its the fact that I will be expected to stay off my feet for the most part for weeks afterward.  Now, I haven’t been good about exercising recently, but I make sure to move quite a bit during the day.  With this surgery I will be only able to be “active” sporadically for quite sometime and its not like I am going to stop eating.

I am contemplating the physical activities I can participate in that will keep me from putting pressure on my feet.  I know I can do upper body work, and probably some ab exercises and leg lifts.  Once the stitches are removed and I can get my feet wet I think maybe I could swim for some cardio (although I pretty much suck at that). Maybe a recumbent bike would work? I dunno, but this will be the first time in a LONG time that I will basically be unable to easily burn calories on a daily basis.

The surgery I am having is for bone spurs in my toes which have basically made wearing almost any shoe at all painful.  And… its both feet.   Its a form of Hammer Toe surgery.  Here’s a pic of one of the toes to be operated on.

My toe... yes it hurts!
My toe… yes it hurts!

Needless to say, I am nervous about eating and not moving.  I will keep everyone updated as I try to figure out ways to move everyday so I don’t just put weight back on.

But, I have to realize that even if I do have a setback, it will just be that, a setback and I will just jump back on that proverbial wagon and start moving again.

I don’t think the director or choreographer of the show realized truly how much pain I was in during all the dancing we did.  As one of the oldest cast members I was bound and determined to give it 110%. So while I paid a price for the effort, I wouldn’t change a thing.

It seems that is how most things in life which require you to put forth all of your effort are.  You may suffer some, and it wont be easy, but it will be worth it.  The journey and the pain make you appreciate the destination, and the goal entirely; more than you ever would have had the path been simple, easy and painless. It also makes you keenly aware of what it took to you to get where you are, and more likely than not, you will not want to make that same journey again, or move backwards along it.

Surgery is not scheduled till next week.  I am going to spend sometime researching things I can do to stay active off my feet. Post some comments if you have any suggestions… I would love to hear from you.


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